Why This 5’ 5” Lady Engineer is offering a FREE back rub to a lucky man...

Chances are pretty good actually

lady engineer needs a date

Hi.

My Name's Kate


If you're a single man in your 20s or 30s or 40s or 50s...


And you're interested in meeting literally anyone with a pulse then this letter might change your life. Probably not. But it might.


It's true that I'm offering a free back rub. Keep reading!

I am so plugged in it's not even funny

Before I get to that

I'm not going to bore you by painfully listing all my "likes" as if this was a typical "dating profile"... 


Such as: cat videos, dog videos, basically any animal video, animals in real life, snack foods, yoga fashion, pub trivia, movies with drinking game rules, alcohol in general, going to the beach and just sitting there, public radio fund drive swag, telling people I go to the theater, instagramming every time I go on a hike or travel, music of all types except white rappers, or whatever local sports teams that I happen to like, which are, in order of preference: the Seattle Seahawks, Portland Thorns, and Portland Timbers. 


It doesn't matter because online dating is inane.... 


INTJ, Monogamous, Omnivore, Pisces, Atheist but I'm laughing about about it.

just a lady scientist mixing chemicals because that's all that photographers think we do all day

I'm not going to tell you not to date me

I go to work and then I leave work and have some free time actually.


Right now I'm:

  1. An engineer for a tech company
  2. Getting paid for that

At the end of the day: 

Do I heat up some thing I bought at Whole Foods, crack open a cold La Croix and then binge a few episodes of some show on Netflix while I watch makeup tutorials and shop online for a pair of shorts that won't look weird on me?  You bet I do!  

It's like the TV Series 30 rock

Liz Lemon eating night cheese is basically me every night

Yes, I have a lot of enjoyable, relaxed, fun times spent on the couch!

If we were in a relationship I guess we could do other things. I dunno, what are you into? Camping? I went camping once. That's just like sitting but you're outside, right?

Yep

Netflix and chill

Yep

cats. yes I'm a cat lady

Yep

I love chips. Snacks every day.

I'll admit it

I'm an introvert sometimes.

If I don't go out a few nights in a row I worry I'm turning into a hermit and when I finally leave my house and actually talk to someone it seems all awkward. Like, was that even English? Is my voice really loud right now? 


That happens to other people right?

I have a life though.

I mentioned pub trivia? I mentioned I went camping once right?


Just go look at my Instagram, it's all on there.

I...

I hate how much I love social media

  • LOVE social networking sites: Instagram,  Facebook, Pinterest, Twitter, Reddit, Youtube, Pornhub. I even kept my Myspace account in case that makes a comeback. 
  • But mostly Instagram. Are you on Instagram? OMG, have you seen the Kangaroo sanctuary one? SO CUTE. Oh and the Marnie the dog! Ahhh! I love her so much!


In the past decade, I:

  • Went to graduate school.
  • Experienced the existential dread of being a graduate student.
  • Finished graduate school.
  • Took an industry job and realized I still have no idea what I'm doing with my life.
  • Still haven't seen an episode of Game of Thrones. 

Things Kate does NOT want in a man:

  • Misogynists
  • Anyone so uptight they won't take their shoes off at the beach
  • Anyone who writes a long ass manifesto and buys a custom domain name so they can publish it online in lieu of a Tinder profile.


How to know you're the man I'm writing to

  • You have teeth?

actual Tinder message I've received

And I don’t have time to hope I’ll run into my dream guy at the ice cream aisle at New Seasons


I mean it's really hard to know if someone has a full set of teeth. What am I going to do, look in their mouth?


Of course there’s the internet because science or whatever. On Tinder, I get to feature some pictures and 500 characters. Why the hell would I restrict myself to that? Because it's easy! And I'm just going to left-swipe everyone while I'm on the couch anyway!

Here's a bunch of stock photos I found.

"OMG we're like totally bonding"

couple bonding

Aww if we dated we could hold hands like stupid idiots and post it all over social media.

romance shmomance

Look at these assholes! This could be us!

douchebags on a date

You will totally love watching me look at instagrams of cats!

Tinder date going so poorly she's texting her friends

MAPS MAPS MAPS MAPS... THEY DONT LOVE YOU LIKE I LOVE YOU

Planning escape route

This is insufferable

Another couple being basic and gross

Why do all the "dating" stock photos only have white people in them

Things white people like

Like I literally can't even find one non-white guy in these

Hipster san fran couple

Oh here you go. I searched for "couples." phew.

Finally some POC

OK, so do people actually go on coffee dates? Is that real? What is wrong with you people?

Coffee dates are the worst dates

If I'm having my morning coffee I cannot handle any eye contact.

Don't look at me I'm having coffee

Seriously get your face out of my face and let me drink my coffee

Seriously don't look at me until I'm finished drinking this cofeve

Chances are, this opportunity is for you…

Drinking makes dating more bearable

Nothing matters and we all die alone anyway

...but I promised one lucky guy a backrub...


Of course, we should meet and at least exchange a couple conversations before I rub your back for at least five minutes.



It could be just like that scene in Bridesmaids:

  • TED I like hanging out with you.
  • ANNIE I love hanging out with you. I think we get along really well. And you’re so sexy... 
  • TED I know. Look, I just have a lot coming up at work. And I don’t want to make promises I can’t keep. 
  • ANNIE We’re on the same page. I’m not looking for a relationship right now either, let’s just say that. Whatever you want, I can do. I like “simple”, I’m not like the other girls who would be like “be my boyfriend!” Unless you were like, “yeah!”, then I’d be like “maybe”. 
  • TED Wow, this is awkward. I really want you to leave but I don’t know how to say it without sounding like a dick.



If you’re at all excited or passionate about meeting someone like me, take a chance and write a message because this is a totally natural way to screen potential dates.

Send nudes

Yes, this is a parody