My Name's Kate
If you're a single man in your 20s or 30s or 40s or 50s...
And you're interested in meeting literally anyone with a pulse then this letter might change your life. Probably not. But it might.
It's true that I'm offering a free back rub. Keep reading!
I'm not going to bore you by painfully listing all my "likes" as if this was a typical "dating profile"...
Such as: cat videos, dog videos, basically any animal video, animals in real life, snack foods, yoga fashion, pub trivia, movies with drinking game rules, alcohol in general, going to the beach and just sitting there, public radio fund drive swag, telling people I go to the theater, instagramming every time I go on a hike or travel, music of all types except white rappers, or whatever local sports teams that I happen to like, which are, in order of preference: the Seattle Seahawks, Portland Thorns, and Portland Timbers.
It doesn't matter because online dating is inane....
INTJ, Monogamous, Omnivore, Pisces, Atheist but I'm laughing about about it.
I go to work and then I leave work and have some free time actually.
Right now I'm:
At the end of the day:
Do I heat up some thing I bought at Whole Foods, crack open a cold La Croix and then binge a few episodes of some show on Netflix while I watch makeup tutorials and shop online for a pair of shorts that won't look weird on me? You bet I do!
If we were in a relationship I guess we could do other things. I dunno, what are you into? Camping? I went camping once. That's just like sitting but you're outside, right?
If I don't go out a few nights in a row I worry I'm turning into a hermit and when I finally leave my house and actually talk to someone it seems all awkward. Like, was that even English? Is my voice really loud right now?
That happens to other people right?
I mentioned pub trivia? I mentioned I went camping once right?
Just go look at my Instagram, it's all on there.
In the past decade, I:
How to know you're the man I'm writing to
I mean it's really hard to know if someone has a full set of teeth. What am I going to do, look in their mouth?
Of course there’s the internet because science or whatever. On Tinder, I get to feature some pictures and 500 characters. Why the hell would I restrict myself to that? Because it's easy! And I'm just going to left-swipe everyone while I'm on the couch anyway!
...but I promised one lucky guy a backrub...
Of course, we should meet and at least exchange a couple conversations before I rub your back for at least five minutes.
It could be just like that scene in Bridesmaids:
If you’re at all excited or passionate about meeting someone like me, take a chance and write a message because this is a totally natural way to screen potential dates.